Grow your Wise Adult Self with Healthy Boundaries
“Boundaries” is one of those psychological buzz words flying around these days that seem to be somewhat misunderstood. It seems to be that people believe they are using boundaries when they are telling others what to do or not do, which is actually more boundaryless than skillful.
Boundaryless people are those who have a hard time understanding where they end and others begin. They are often on the “other side of the relationship court”, managing other people. They can also be the one struggling to get someone to stop coming on their side of the court in the first place. Both sides are struggling with effective boundary work, and both sides are often frustrated that they can’t change the other person.
The good news is that boundary work doesn’t require anything from anyone other than you. Freeing, huh? That’s because psychological boundaries are internal and something that you practice as you interact with others. There are two components to these boundaries. One is your protective boundary, which is a filter to use as you listen to others and decide how much you want to take in and have feelings about. Imagine a force field around you that stops all incoming verbal or emotional traffic. You examine what is coming at you and ask yourself if it is true for you. Remember that whatever it is, it is just someone else’s reality or belief that was filtered through their own lens.
For example, if someone were to say, “I think you are a terrible driver”. Splat! Catch it on your protective boundary and ask yourself if you think you are a terrible driver. Likely, the answer is no. However, a person has just criticized your driving and it’s possible that you have some bodily reactions, thoughts, and feelings coming up as you are criticized. This is normal. Notice the sensations that come up and give yourself space to settle your nervous system before you respond. This practice of noticing your feelings and then settling yourself is the beginning of using your containing boundary.
Your containing boundary can also be referred to as your talking boundary which is what you use to protect others as you share your reality with them. If you yell at someone or criticize them, for example, you have lost your containing boundary and have become offensive. The same is true when someone is criticizing you, and if you use your protective boundary, you can choose whether or not to be offended by them. If you allow yourself to be offended, you are likely to start an inner dialogue that will lead you to behave unrelationally towards yourself or to that person.
Let’s apply this to the comment about being a terrible driver. If you lose your protective boundary and take the comment personally, you are likely to become defensive or argumentative with the person, or have a shame attack and turn on yourself. Neither of these will be helpful to you. Instead, I would invite you to notice that the person talking to you has lost their containing boundary, and if it’s someone you care about, you can be curious about their comment. You could say something like, “While I prefer that you give me feedback without criticizing me, I am interested to know if I have driven in a way that made you uncomfortable”. In this way you are standing up for yourself in a relational manner and also giving the other person the opportunity to practice sharing their reality without criticizing you.
The degree to which you care about the person sharing their reality is the degree to which to lean in with curiosity and try to understand them.
Living relationally with healthy boundaries is about protecting yourself and other people while you interact with them.
Remember, you don’t have to be offended just because someone else is being offensive.
Speaking of boundaries, please be reminded that this perspective comes through my personal and professional lens and may not fit for everyone. Please take what is helpful for you and leave the rest.
Increasing Holiday Joy with Radical Acceptance
Do you find yourself distressed during the month of December as you anticipate the holiday gatherings that are fast approaching? You are not alone. Many people struggle with feelings of frustration, dread, and powerlessness the closer they get to the end of the year as they prepare to spend time with people that are hard to be around. You may attend holiday events out of guilt or obligation, or because there will be some guests that you actually DO want to spend time with who come with the ones that you prefer to avoid. Whatever the reason, there are ways to increase your joy regardless of who shows up or how they behave.
Radical acceptance is a concept that can help reduce distress in these situations. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean that you agree with or like the person or their behavior, but that you accept it so that your mind can stop arguing with reality. One sign that you are arguing with reality is if you notice your mind saying things such as, “They shouldn’t act that way”, or “I can’t stand it that they say or do those things”. A way to combat this negative thinking is to say to yourself, “I don’t prefer that they say those things or behave that way, but I am ok. I am not stuck talking to this person and I can politely excuse myself in order to take a break from them”. Remember that nothing anyone else does is about you, but about them. It’s not personal even if something unkind is directed at you. A person behaving unkindly is likely working out their own unresolved issues on whoever is in front of them.
My favorite analogy to use in situations such as these came from a colleague of mine. My clients find it to be a useful way to unhook from other people’s behavior, and it goes like this: When you go to the farm and you see a cow, what does the cow do? It “moos”. (among other things, yes, but let’s keep it simple for now). It might not be the most enjoyable sound, but most of us wouldn’t try to make the cow stop mooing, get upset that it’s mooing, or complain to others about how obnoxious the cow is. Most people would move farther away from the cow if they needed a break from the sound and radically accept that this is just what cows do. You can notice that the cow continues to moo even when you distance yourself from it, which can remind you that it isn’t personal.
The purpose of this analogy isn’t to make a mockery of the behaviors of others, but to help reduce distress and to let go of beliefs that you can’t be ok without someone else changing their behavior. Taking care of yourself by taking space when you need it is about learning to have your own back. Stay tuned for more on that :)
Boundary invitation: Please understand that this blog is written through my own personal lens along with my clinical experience and training. I invite you to take what works for you, and leave the rest.
Welcome
Do you find yourself having the same argument over and over with your partner? Do you often feel hurt or offended in reaction to other people’s opinions? Do you find yourself taking better care of other people than you do of yourself? You are not alone!
Welcome to my blog, I am so glad you’re here. My name is Danielle Landa and I am a licensed marriage and family therapist. I am creating this blog to provide a space for people to grow in their relational abilities and improve the connection to themselves as well as important others. I will explore and expand on topics relevant to relationships, the most common ways that people get stuck, and relational ways of working through difficulties.
I welcome feedback, questions and requests for future blog posts and would invite you to send any of these to my email: danielle.landa@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you. In the meantime, I hope you will grab a cup of coffee or other beverage of your choosing, curl up, and enjoy!
Scheduling An Appointment
To schedule an appointment please call me at 612-327-6495 or email at danielle.landa@gmail.com.