Increasing Holiday Joy with Radical Acceptance
Do you find yourself distressed during the month of December as you anticipate the holiday gatherings that are fast approaching? You are not alone. Many people struggle with feelings of frustration, dread, and powerlessness the closer they get to the end of the year as they prepare to spend time with people that are hard to be around. You may attend holiday events out of guilt or obligation, or because there will be some guests that you actually DO want to spend time with who come with the ones that you prefer to avoid. Whatever the reason, there are ways to increase your joy regardless of who shows up or how they behave.
Radical acceptance is a concept that can help reduce distress in these situations. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean that you agree with or like the person or their behavior, but that you accept it so that your mind can stop arguing with reality. One sign that you are arguing with reality is if you notice your mind saying things such as, “They shouldn’t act that way”, or “I can’t stand it that they say or do those things”. A way to combat this negative thinking is to say to yourself, “I don’t prefer that they say those things or behave that way, but I am ok. I am not stuck talking to this person and I can politely excuse myself in order to take a break from them”. Remember that nothing anyone else does is about you, but about them. It’s not personal even if something unkind is directed at you. A person behaving unkindly is likely working out their own unresolved issues on whoever is in front of them.
My favorite analogy to use in situations such as these came from a colleague of mine. My clients find it to be a useful way to unhook from other people’s behavior, and it goes like this: When you go to the farm and you see a cow, what does the cow do? It “moos”. (among other things, yes, but let’s keep it simple for now). It might not be the most enjoyable sound, but most of us wouldn’t try to make the cow stop mooing, get upset that it’s mooing, or complain to others about how obnoxious the cow is. Most people would move farther away from the cow if they needed a break from the sound and radically accept that this is just what cows do. You can notice that the cow continues to moo even when you distance yourself from it, which can remind you that it isn’t personal.
The purpose of this analogy isn’t to make a mockery of the behaviors of others, but to help reduce distress and to let go of beliefs that you can’t be ok without someone else changing their behavior. Taking care of yourself by taking space when you need it is about learning to have your own back. Stay tuned for more on that :)
Boundary invitation: Please understand that this blog is written through my own personal lens along with my clinical experience and training. I invite you to take what works for you, and leave the rest.