Grow your Wise Adult Self with Healthy Boundaries

“Boundaries” is one of those psychological buzz words flying around these days that seem to be somewhat misunderstood.  It seems to be that people believe they are using boundaries when they are telling others what to do or not do, which is actually more boundaryless than skillful. 

Boundaryless people are those who have a hard time understanding where they end and others begin.  They are often on the “other side of the relationship court”, managing other people.  They can also be the one struggling to get someone to stop coming on their side of the court in the first place.  Both sides are struggling with effective boundary work, and both sides are often frustrated that they can’t change the other person.

The good news is that boundary work doesn’t require anything from anyone other than you.  Freeing, huh?  That’s because psychological boundaries are internal and something that you practice as you interact with others.  There are two components to these boundaries.  One is your protective boundary, which is a filter to use as you listen to others and decide how much you want to take in and have feelings about.  Imagine a force field around you that stops all incoming verbal or emotional traffic.  You examine what is coming at you and ask yourself if it is true for you.  Remember that whatever it is, it is just someone else’s reality or belief that was filtered through their own lens.  

For example, if someone were to say, “I think you are a terrible driver”.  Splat!  Catch it on your protective boundary and ask yourself if you think you are a terrible driver.  Likely, the answer is no.  However, a person has just criticized your driving and it’s possible that you have some bodily reactions, thoughts, and feelings coming up as you are criticized.  This is normal.  Notice the sensations that come up and give yourself space to settle your nervous system before you respond.  This practice of noticing your feelings and then settling yourself is the beginning of using your containing boundary.

Your containing boundary can also be referred to as your talking boundary which is what you use to protect others as you share your reality with them.  If you yell at someone or criticize them, for example, you have lost your containing boundary and have become offensive.  The same is true when someone is criticizing you, and if you use your protective boundary, you can choose whether or not to be offended by them.  If you allow yourself to be offended, you are likely to start an inner dialogue that will lead you to behave unrelationally towards yourself or to that person.  

Let’s apply this to the comment about being a terrible driver.  If you lose your protective boundary and take the comment personally, you are likely to become defensive or argumentative with the person, or have a shame attack and turn on yourself.  Neither of these will be helpful to you.  Instead, I would invite you to notice that the person talking to you has lost their containing boundary, and if it’s someone you care about, you can be curious about their comment.  You could say something like, “While I prefer that you give me feedback without criticizing me, I am interested to know if I have driven in a way that made you uncomfortable”.  In this way you are standing up for yourself in a relational manner and also giving the other person the opportunity to practice sharing their reality without criticizing you.  

The degree to which you care about the person sharing their reality is the degree to which to lean in with curiosity and try to understand them.  

Living relationally with healthy boundaries is about protecting yourself and other people while you interact with them.  

Remember, you don’t have to be offended just because someone else is being offensive.    

Speaking of boundaries, please be reminded that this perspective comes through my personal and professional lens and may not fit for everyone. Please take what is helpful for you and leave the rest.